FIFA President Sepp Blatter has stunned British media by announcing his intention to stand in the forthcoming Labour leadership contest. As an outsider, he is seen as offering a clean break from the widely-discredited policies of the Brown-Miliband era. Said one party insider: “It’s an inspired move. We’ve been really struggling ever since Teflon Tony quit, but this guy’s the real deal. I mean, he’s won FIVE consecutive elections – Thatcher and Blair could only manage three.”
“He ticks so many boxes for us,” said another Labour apparatchik. “We got hammered by the Tories among voters over 60; well, Sepp’s 79, so that gives us a lot of leverage over a young whipper-snapper like Cameron. Plus, he’s not Scottish, which tends to lose us votes in England, nor is he English, which costs us so many votes to the SNP – it’s a win-win.”
Critics have pointed out the ongoing FBI corruption investigation as well as alleged human rights abuses in Qatar. Labour insiders were unrepentant: “Look. heaps more people got killed in Iraq and we’re still dealing with the fallout over the cover-up. But with Blatter, we’re only talking about 30 or so construction workers dead in Qatar. He looks clean in comparison, and he is the ideal figure to continue Tony’s legacy of bringing
death and destruction peace and goodwill to the Middle East. Being Swiss is a big plus: they know all about how to be a successful European country while remaining outside the EU – this should stop us haemorrhaging votes to UKIP.”
Voters were mostly enthusiastic. Dave Cretin, of Romford, who voted UKIP at the last election, was ‘definitely’ considering changing to Labour if Blatter became leader. “He’s seems a genuine bloke and he really likes the football, innit? So long as he’s not a Chelsea fan, I’d vote for him.” In one of his rare interviews, Blatter once declared that he was a supporter of whichever football team he happened to be watching, so long as they were winning. “That’s a pretty straight up kind of answer”, said Cretin. “I think he could appeal to all sorts of voters,” he chirruped, before roaring off in his white van.
Publically, the Tories have dismissed Blatter’s candidacy, but privately they are worried. “His biggest critic is Gary Lineker, and people stopped listening to him years ago,” said one. “We will need to watch him carefully. He’s also alleged to have shagged more women than Boris – that’s a populist lothario we could well do without.”
To the critics who have ridiculed his lack of Westminster experience, Blatter had this to say: “I knew diddly squat about football management, but now I’m a multi-millionaire.” Clutching a bulging brown envelope, he murmured enigmatically: “I can offer a vision of success and aspiration that Labour has been lacking in recent years.” The new Labour leader will be unveiled on September 12th.